There is Light

In light of suicide prevention awareness month, I felt moved to share my experiences. I want to give hope to even one person. Hope is something I had been missing for a long time on my journey. Yet, hope has been crucial to me still being here. If you are contemplating suicide, remember to just stay. This quote by Erin Van Vuren helped me stay. It was a good reminder that I just needed to fucking stay.

There’s going to be days when you just don’t want to be here anymore. You just STAY. You fucking stay. Somewhere out there, somebody needs your voice. I promise. I swear to God, your laughter is someone’s saving grace. Hold on tight, baby. The sun is coming for you. 

Remember to stay for the laughter. Stay for the bits of joy. Stay for the sunrise you have yet to see. Stay for the hope. Just stay.

I have had lots of times when I didn’t want to be here anymore.  I wanted to die. This is from high school on to the present day. During part of this time, I didn’t realize I was struggling from depression. A deep dark depression. On the outside everything looked fine. I was “fine”, but inside I was dying. I kept this secret of wanting to die to myself for a very long time. I was utterly hopeless. I felt insignificant, unwanted, and a piece of trash. Then as I was older, I had a treatment team. I’m in recovery from an eating disorder and my treatment team was a life line. I was able to share my thoughts of wanting to die with my treatment team. Saying it and sharing it helped it lose some power. I was not alone. For the longest time, I felt so alone with this secret of wanting to die. It was as if no one cared about me and I was worthless.  Then, I began to hold onto others’ hope. My therapist, dietician, and psychiatrist all held hope for me. This kept me alive.

It was a daily struggle that I didn’t want to be here. That was my code word for dying.  It was painful. It was a constant battle of staying alive. This struggle was exhausting. The depression was never ending. It was a blanket. Looking back I realized, I didn’t want to die. I just wanted the pain to end. I would often tell others I was tired. I didn’t share that I know longer wanted to be here. When I finally shared my secret with others, it helped. It helped when others checked on me. It helped me to realize I had worth and was needed.

As I am healing, I have found that now I am trying to be present in life moments. Before I was just existing. All I did was survive. Now I want to feel the laughter, joy, and smiles. I think about gratitude and the good and kind things in life. The gratitude shows me bits of joy and helps give me hope. 

This quote by Brene Brown speaks to me. For so long I wouldn’t talk to anyone, then it was just my treatment team. Part of my healing was when I began to open up to people in my personal life.

Daring greatly means the courage to be vulnerable.

It means to show up and be seen.

To ask for what you need.

To talk about how you’re feeling.

To have the hard conversations.

Part of what I needed was borrowing other’s hope for me. I needed this more than they knew. This got me through hard times. I hope this can give others hope and safety. I give you my hope. Remember, you are not expected to be perfect. Give yourself grace. Practice self compassion. Practice self-love. 

Also, thinking about and writing down my values has helped give me courage and reasons to stay. I often look at these and remember them. Being vulnerable and honest with others has opened the door for them to care about me and notice me. Realizing people cared about me and would care if I was gone was important in my healing. That was something really hard to notice, but really beneficial. A final reminder. There is hope in every situation, even when your brain says there isn’t. Reach out. Don’t suffer alone. There is hope.